On the state of the Zeppelin.

Of course, ‘rocketing out of your chair shouting obscenities at the TV’ has been a bit hard of late given that you developed horrendous backache last week.

‘Flopping over onto your side and using all available furniture and husbands to pull yourself up while whimpering before waddling slowly off like a duck’ would definitely have been more accurate.

This undoubtedly serves you right for having felt so splendid over the last few months. But you are into the last trimester now and have started warily eyeing the hemorrhoid counter in Boots in anticipation, staring at the bits of your stomach you can still see in case stretch marks appear and checking your legs for pulsating veins.

The whole question of pain (relief) during birth is becoming worryingly concrete about now too.

Mind you, the splendidly ergonomic chairs in the staffroom of your latest school seem to have done the backache wonders for now, so perhaps you shouldn’t get unduly pessimistic just yet.